Updated: Sep 12, 2021
My bed is a battleground where anxiety and I fight.
She chains herself to the neurons of my brain; like an unwanted guest in a humble abode. Our fights range from gentle pricks to sweet murderous attacks. The bed turns into a coffin full of mud where breathing is a miracle. The brown tries to sweep all over me, leaving me deranged like a branch on a haunted tree. The tree's roots are somewhere in Demeter's reign though I can't find it in my food? My brain implores me to search for the cause of this root which further leads to the growth of this root. It's an endless cycle always leaving me on this sacred bed of ideas and exploration.
She has started eating all my joys and is slowly consuming my opportunities. I squint at the thought of bonding, the thought of dancing, the thought of just closing my eyes. I reminisce the days where sleep was a mere eye close away and now my heart aches at the thought of the night. The night brings me closer to this ritual I have begun to abhor. So I blind myself in the daylight so the night never seems to come. I drown myself in nerve freezing water just so I can numb those neurons that seem to be the nails anxiety uses to claw her way in. I tie my hands to my feet praying that I turn into a goblet of fire demolishing every trace of her brown essence. I expose my ears to the tunes of people's gossip and hard metal songs just so her voice fades away for a second. I lick my lips every two seconds scared that her bacteria will contaminate every cell of my holy mouth, for saving my words from her is all I can do. My legs tremble to the extent I could induce an earthquake if I sat for long. So I push a chair over my foot in the hope of causing her the agony she gives me. I squeeze my stomach hoping to abort the child I feel she's giving birth to. A child whose voice I hear everyday screeching for help because he's coerced to do her dirty tasks. So much so that he looses his innocence and becomes so brown that now living feels difficult in this body.
Maybe that's why I don't live, I just exist.