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Am I Gay or Am I Too Much?

Updated: May 27, 2023

Self-doubt seems to be a psychological soulmate for Queer individuals. They have to keep doubting what orientation they belong to. Once they are sure about that the doubt about whether they should come out of the closet or not starts. But they have to constantly live in the doubt of Am I Gay or Am I too much? Is that dress something I should wear? Can I go out like this? Can I wear heels or would that be too much? This stems from the projection of society’s expectations of them.

I had an unfortunate accident when I came across the filthy and homophobic comment section of a wholesome post where a queer person was just wearing a beautiful dress and hanging out with their cousins. There were abuses hurled at them, threats thrown at them, and when I commented something in support of them the whole “filth” came after me. They name-called me. They attacked my family. This reaction certainly makes one question and doubt “Am I Gay or Am I Too Much?”.

Rules of Being Gay

I want to believe that we are living at a point in time where it is sort of ok to be gay. There is a chance that you won’t be called a deeply hurtful slur by your loved ones and thrown away. It is getting slightly better. But the issue is where your acceptance of someone being queer is dependent on the way they choose to look. It is ok if they are gay but dress like a “normal” guy but the moment they want to dress up and wear make up your support starts to withdraw.

You can say that it comes from the love and care you feel for them but in reality, you are just stopping them from being themselves. But who makes the rules for being gay? How gay can you be and how do you need to dress? There is no gender for clothes and yet they are seen through a gendered lens. This comes from the idea that if we do not distinguish between the genders and let people be fluid, how will society continue to exist? The counter to this is that Straight people will still be in the majority. So what we as a society can do is, give queer individuals the freedom to express themselves.

Earlier, it was men who used to wear jewelry, it was a sign of masculinity. But now, if a man is wearing jewelry he is considered “weak” or “feminine”. There is also the fundamental patriarchal flaw of using weak and feminine as synonyms but that is a different conversation.

Who Decides How I Should Dress?

If you are looking for an answer to this, there is none. Nobody has the power to dictate how one should dress. It is inherently an expression of one’s identity and internal emotions. Here’s the thing, if you were taught from the beginning and you grew up seeing that it was ok to wear whatever you want, nobody would shame that boy who just wanted to have fun and wear red heels. But it did happen. It happened because we are socialized in a way that we see clothes from a gender lens and anything that is even remotely fluid needs to be hated.

Society somehow feels that it has the right to dictate to individuals how to dress. But this is an issue for several queer people. Some people want to dress freely but can’t. Not just because of the judgment, side-eyes, eye rolls, etc. But because it is a physical threat to them. It is judged and frowned upon even when they just wear nail paint. It is just color people, get over it.

The idea is that what you wear is only an expression of how you want others to see you. It can not express your gender, sexuality, or sex for that matter. Several transgender people have been cross-dressing for centuries and have been ridiculed for this. But a glimmer of hope is seen when some individuals in mainstream media or other platforms stand in solidarity with them. And accept them as they are.

Propensity of Acceptance

How you dress or look plays a big role in your being accepted. Let’s take examples and try to understand. Trans people have been cross-dressing for a century. And yet they are ridiculed and hated for doing so. There are utmost heartbreaking words said to them just because they dress in traditionally feminine outfits. But when Harry Styles does the same thing, it is breaking glass ceilings, is brave, etc. This is nothing but double standards.

People are afraid to be canceled if they outrightly hate other sexual orientations. So they hide it behind other things. When Akshay Kumar dresses up as a transgender woman in “Laxxmi” it is supported and respected by millions of people. But trans women are still treated badly.

The most recent example of this is Sam Smith’s music video. If Sam was a slim cis man dressing like that nobody would be hating Sam this much. Sam looked stunning in the music video and there is just no denying that. Fat people are considered ugly which is nonsense. Fat people are just as beautiful as slim people and any other body type. Is Sam gay or are they too much?


The issue here is why are there guidelines to be accepted. A gym-going guy is not believed to be gay or queer. A polyamorous queer person is rarely ever accepted. A slim gay guy is easily accepted as gay. While content creators like Ankush Bahuguna are assumed to be gay because they like makeup. It’s about time we become cool with being gay. It is their choice and nobody has a say in it. You can only be gay and never too much.

And let’s be honest kids, too much is never enough!

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